The List

This insanely long post is long. It is late and I am tired. Perhaps some of my readers can suggest a better way to end the story. Probabaly it needs heaps of work for anyone to understand what the heck I am going on about and why the doctor does what he does.

The List

It would be the perfect spot for that hebe cutting. Grandma finally decided. She looked up from the spot where she was digging. Hearing a noise she leaned on her well worn spade as she squinted into the glare. The postman had come. Sighing, she put down her spade and made her way over to where the mailbox was. There were three letters today. Two were of such a nature that doesn’t interest people like Grandma. One was one of those letters addressed to the ubiquitous “Householder”, the second was so forgettable that no one is really sure what it was about anymore. The third was, however of considerable interest. One of those letters that have that little plastic window on it, it had “Canterbury District Health Board” in bold type on the top left corner. It was addressed to “John Sinclair”.

When John returned home from work that evening, there on the kitchen bench was that letter. "It's about freakin' time" he thought as he opened the envelope. It was an appointment for him to see one "Dr Chantage Consultant". Finally, he was at the top of the waiting list. He had waited more than a year fo this appointment that would in all likelyhood take about 15 minutes, 20 at the most. "The public health system has gone down the proverbial" he muttered, throwing the letter on the table. He made himself a strong cup of tea and then sat down at his computer to ask Google about this "Dr Chantage".

The morning of the appointment, and Doctor Chantage was agitated. He was as usual reading the Press at his favorite early morning coffee haunt - "The Daily Grind" he had ordered his usual - Flat white - but it was taking longer than usual. He glanced over toward the man in the grey suit seated in the corner, taking care not to turn his head or make it obvious that he was looking at anything other than the article in the paper that detailed someting about a rates increase proposed for some reason. The man had removed his glasses. "That was the signal". He watched out of the corner of his eye as the man paid and left. "half a minute yet" he thought to himself. He watched the second hand slowly make its way around the face of the clock suspended above the counter. "It's time". He got up and went to the bathroom. Sure enough, under the spare toilet roll in stall three, he found the package. Sitting on the closed lid of the toilet he pulled a pair of latex gloves from one of his pockets. Pulling them on like he had done so many times before, he operated on the package. Inside he found a business card for an auto electrician by the name of "Reynold Mardel", and a small black device no larger than a cellphone with the words "Cardio Call" written on it. He placed them in a small zip lock bag, pocketed it and made sure to flush the excess packaging and the gloves, he made a show of washing his hands and went back to finish his coffee. "Make no change from the established routine" he told himself - he finished his coffee, made a show of reading the front page, and smiling at the cartoons. His job was now half done. As he made his way back to his car, he noticed a parking ticket. Swearing under his breath, he looked at it and screwed it up. Whoever thought of ticketing a doctor for $96 for parking in the disabled car park? “ah well, it was bound to happen some day”.

The day had arrived and John was early for his appointment. Sitting in the waiting room he couldn't help but notice the TV in the corner. On it was a plaque engraved with the thanks of someone or other who had finally got to see a heart specialist after who knows how long stuck on the list waiting for what should have been a simple diagnosis of mild Ischaemic heart disease which turned into a full blown heart attack case in need of angioplasty, because it wasn't diagnosed sooner. A nurse put her head round the door "John Sinclair?" she asked, "Yes", John said as he stood. Finally he was going to see the doctor.

After the diagnosis, as soon as John had thanked him and left the room, Doctor Chantage picked up his phone and dialed the number on the business card. He left a message on the answering machine stating that the 'cheque' was 'in the mail'. He hung up and breathed a sigh of releaf. He now wanted nothing to better than to forget the whole thing. Hopefully the blackmailers would leave him alone now.

After being told by the doctor that his condition was likely to be some thing that by now he couldn't remember the name of (that's John that couldn't remember, the doctor seemingly knew off the top of his head), John was ushered into another room to be fitted with the listening device that would accompany him for the next two weeks. It would sit in his pocket, attached to the electrodes that were attached to him, and it would listen apparently to his heart. He was now, for a few weeks at least, the bionic man.

It is a little known fact that it is possible to devise what a person is typing by the sound the keys make as you hit them. Each key has it's own unique acoustic signature so that, with enough recordings of someone typing, and using frequency analysis it is possible to listen in on the typing of someone and discern the message without looking at the screen. Simply by recording the sounds of someone typing at an internet cafe for instance, you can have access to their most personal data

One week later, as John arrived at work, he noticed a white van with "Lincoln Shuttle" written on the side parked outside. Upon entering the bank where he worked, he was arrested for five accounts of unlawfully accessing an information system, and for the theft of 5.1 million dollars. He wasn't granted bail. One Dr Chantage was at the court the day that John was convicted. He was there to pay an overdue fine for $96 for parking in a disabled persons car park without a disability sign.

The Unconscious

In a real strange way, this one started out as a blog about something rather different. None of it is true (unless you count the idea of ignoring the alarm clock). I think it makes one of the things on my 'stupid things of the month' list is obvious.

The Unconscious

He could hear a faint distant beeping in the background. Quiet. Rhythmic. Soothing in an almost animate, livingly hypnotic way, and yet in an uneasy mechanical way, full of foreboding and the sense of apprehension. The smell of the darkness was particularly deep, well worn and engulfing ones consciousness like the darkness itself, intense and all consuming. His mind was clouded with a 'can't be quite certain' 'don't really care right now' kind of daze that would occur if all the
reality television were distilled and refined to it's mind numbing, neuron atrophying essence. Stupor Concentrate. Freshly brewed in one universal entertainment percolator for your prescriptive pseudoreality fix.

The Diplomat

Recently I installed Ubuntu linux on my laptop, and it took two tries to get it to dual boot with Windows (my fault though, I didn't read the on screen instructions). This blog idea was originally based on that idea of two competing systems trying to have access to the same resources. Dumb I know, but since it was about time that I posted, my sense of duty overcame my often contradictory but seldom complementary sense of the cool. It was real boring at first, until, I changed what happened at the end - this made it like some of the stories by Philip K. Dick - who wrote 'Minority Report'.

I guess I'm just tired by all this good guy protagonists in my other blog posts and decided that my character could have some malevolant intent.

The Diplomat

With an air of deep seated but obscured suspicion, the sole New Zealand Delegate eyed his counterparts across the over-engineered but stylishly subdued negotiations table 'probably made from extinct exotic hardwood' he thought as he leaned back in his chair glancing with annoyance at the pen clicker – a lower level diplomat in a sombre gray suit, obviously bored by the proceedings who was clicking his pen in and out, in and out 'a little too bored' thought John.

'... relation to the trade embargoes which forthwith must be given our cautious approval.....'

Droned the drone on the other side of the table. John could see that his counterpart was nearing the end of his monologue, he sighed, made a show of pretending to hide a yawn, and rubbed his eyes, much to the consternation of the Beijing representative, who had just reiterated his nations sovereign right to 'blah blah blah....' John grinned inwardly as he glanced at the pen clicker, who obviously had a low immunity to yawns, and had caught the bug.

'...so in closing, we as a nation cannot in good conscience sanction this course of action in the light of the ....'

He had prepared this part of his speech at least. He knew the Chinese foreign policy, and that it would not allow this so called intrusion on their sovereignty and so he had prepared these closing remarks for his speech to the assembled delegates. He knew there wasn't much hope of them changing their mind, but this was the protocol. But there was an eerie sense of foreboding in the air. something that wasn't right, and it wasn't the feng shui of the room. Something was out of place, he knew it, but he didn't know what.

'...unprecedented and frankly unwarranted economic hegemony which...'

He carried on his speech, noting the various faces in the crowd.

'...has been crippling the regional economy. I thank my fellow delegates, and hope that the situation will soon be resolved.'

He smiled, sat down and glanced through the glass panel in the heavy soundproof door, leading to the reception area where afternoon tea was being prepared'...what the heck...?' he mumbled in a monotone, barely audible even in the subdued hum of the post trade talk environment. He was looking at the pen clicker in the hallway adjacent to the negotiations room – the bored diplomat touched the inside of it's earlobe and retracted the antenna which was protruding from where its upper vertebrae were supposed to be. 'Thank goodness that's at least semi-reflective glass' he thought slowly opening his mobile phone and using the camera to take a picture of the robot which was standing in the hallway near the main exit. 'they've really done it this time' he thought as he mailed the picture to one of his many anonymous email address as insurance against an unforeseen future. The now much better disguised robot entered the room, 'that is one serious piece of technology' John thought, remembering the well copied yawn. 'I've got to get me one of those'. He watched, as if in slow motion, as the alien technology began to make it's way methodically round the room, shaking hands with all the other delegates who were oblivious of the real nature of the too friendly consul. Grasping each hand that was offered it, the robot grinned, as it exchanged business cards with the other people. 'they might have some sort of tracking device, or a virus of some sort?...' John worriedly thought, unable, or rather unwilling to move, paralyzed by an inertia born not of terror of the the mechanical menace, but of an apathy honed by many boring afternoons restating the same old problems to the same old people for the same old reasons. 'Maybe this will make things more interesting' he thought, as he watched from the comfort of his gray suede chair. He cracked open his laptop, and began, to check the live feed from the robot's five senses that were being relayed to the satellite, and to email the programmer asking about why his most helpful spy decided to sync with the satellite in the hallway. 'must be the SQL inflection bug again' he thought, 'thankfully no one saw, or we'd be at square one again' He realized for the first time that he, or rather, his country now had the technology, and the information to make a real impact in the region.

The Golden Egg, and other anomalies

There are some real sad people on the internet. I feel so sorry for them. No, I really do. They have some idea that what everyone believes isn't the truth, and then they go and start to fight against the reptiles. It might be some sort of joke, but from the little I saw of it, it looks like someone put a lot of time into it and really believes it. I was looking for a plausible name for my mythical Inca city, then came across this rubbish (it would be hilarious if no one believed it). maybe I shouldn't link to this kind of thing, and I'm sure that since I have said this about it, it will get more clicks than it deserves.

Today Paula had a birthday party of sorts. We had an Easter egg hunt. Some of the eggs were wrapped in golden foil.

The Golden Egg

The scorching heat of the sun at this time of the day was unbearable, like an ambivalent foreman overlooking the factory floor of the world, the sun dictated work here just as it does the rest of the world. From about 10:30 till four in the afternoon each day, the excavation team halted their toil and returned to the cluster of caravans and tents, seemingly tossed in a rather haphazard manner among the boulders like some of us play petanque. As the archaeologists returned with the mornings find. A buzz of excitement swept through the temporal village. "They've found them!" someone half whispered, half choked as they ran toward the main tent. The grimy, exuberant archaeologist who had made the discovery was there, with a grin that would make a certain cat from Cheshire envious, her grimy hand shaking other hands in varying states of grime. The "discovery of the decade" as people were already calling it was located in pride of place in the centre of the tent. The legendary "oeuf d'or metallique" was a legend no more. The near mythical "Huevo de oro meta¡lico" was discovered deep in a convoluted passage way deep beneath the ruins of the once tropical city of Tlexcxutnal, the last stash of the legendary Inca gold. From out of nowhere, someone conjured a bottle of champagne, and the three cheers echoed off the sheer cliff walls of the area.

The 6th Airborne

After Church today, there was a big red mattress used mainly for gymnastics and stuff like that. We used it to land on after jumping off the stage. It was rather fun.

The 6^th Airborne

The massive thumping sound vibrating through the steel fuselage was deafening - likely from the fact that this aircraft had two Bristol Hercules XI radial engines, each engine putting out 1,590 horsepower. It was a converted bomber, modified instead to carry a hopefully more effective package than six or so tonnes of explosives. Rows of men silently sat on bench seats on the sides of the massive steel shelled aircraft, most staring at the floor, quietly going over their objectives in their head. In the distance, visible through the cockpit windows, the flak exploded over to the south in scorching infernos, peppering the air with shrapnel, glowing orange against the smoke from a thousand detonations permeating the atmosphere at that altitude of 700 odd feet. As they neared the drop site the men stood as one, ready to face the hidden enemy in the darkness of that early summer morning over the coast of Normandy. The Green light blinked on, GO! GO! GO! Someone shouted, and half pushed, half jumping, the Paratroopers exited the plane just as the flak in their part of the sky opened up with a rain of hot metal shards, their 'chutes opening as predicted, catching their fall into the darkness below.

Dark shapes loomed up against the slightly lighter of the fallow wheat fields. Trees. Something for the paratrooper to avoid. The ground, came up fast, and the soldiers hit the ground - two of them - Private A. Moore, who sprained both ankles and Corporal J. Sinclair, who damaged his knee landing on his side. All told, a good time was had by all. I'm sure we'll be in Berlin by Christmas

Three Rousing Huzzahs!

Sunday, on the days that we have church lunches, we often have a competition, of who can bring the best thing to the shared lunch. This time 'round, I made a Pav.

3 Egg Whites
3 Tablespoons cold water
1 cup castor sugar
1Tsp Vinegar
1Tsp Vanilla Essence
3Tsp Cornflour

Beat egg whites until stiff, add cold water and beat again. Add castor sugar very gradually while still beating. Slow beater and add vinegar, vanilla and cornflour. Place on greased paper on greased tray and bake at 150 degrees C for 45 minutes, then leave to cool in the oven.

This one at the beginning was going to either be about a kitchen where implements of terror are made or about a p lab. I just thought that I might need to explain it a bit more.

The Synthesis

Heat radiated from the discoloured aluminium pot on the stove, the flames from the gas fire enveloping the exposed metal with a soft blue haze. The hand inhabiting the perishing yellow rubber glove grasped the corroded long handled spoon made out of indeterminable materials and slowly, carefully stirred the opaque mucilaginous liquid. The hand performing this potentially dangerous task belonged to John. With his other hand, the now slightly apprehensive John turned on the air vent. The poisonous fumes surged from the incandescent flames, the smoky gaseous vapour climbed as it was sucked into the tube through the fan, wafting into the clean air outside, warming the earth by some ingenious method whereby the gas in question was able to either retain the heat, or somehow reflect it better than it’s neighbouring molecules of nitrogen and oxygen, somehow insulating the earth better from the coldness of the vacuum of space. With a slightly shaking hand (coffee) John poured the rapidly jellifying plastic explosive into a square steel container to set. C4. Guaranteed to obliterate the competition.

La Pavlova es bonito

It rained on Sunday. I was going to make a bad joke about being high on p when I wrote the 1st paragraph, but I decided against it. I need to do something else now.

The Emancipation of Precipitation

The water pooled. Rivulets of the wet stuff ran down the exposed surfaces, forming puddles and ponds, pooling precariously proximate to the precipice of precipitation, plummeting predominantly past pulchritudinous people (potentially) in its passage perhaps to the Pacific (possibly).

Drops of liquid fell from the great expanse above, emerging from the darkness of the evening to gleam briefly in the glow of the electric lights (like so much in this world) before making a muted abrupt halt, a tiny splash unnoticed by the throng that had gathered in spite the meteorological event that was determined to run it's course. Sheets of water blew in from the North, saturating the sodden ground, the droplets, having tasted seemingly autonomous freedom, fell from the grasp of the immense tropical cyclone, felt the thrill of reaching their terminal velocity of six metres per second, and the agony of the sudden inevitable jolt of terra firma.

'fitting accompaniment'. I've used that phrase in both of the last blog entries. How bizarre. This one is about an optical mouse which I 'fixed' at work today (no, not that kind of fixed. I'm not a vet). The hardest thing about writing these things is, coming up with something interesting that I can write something about that I don't get bored with as soon as it is written. The depressing thing is that all of them have some kind of darkness, coldness, or otherwise saddening feel to them. Maybe I should write something uplifting. Or maybe I should just get some sleep.

The Eye.

With an intrinsic and characteristic menacing glow, it stares. Just stares. Concentrating. Waiting like a carnivorous amphibian, it's senses tuned to detect the slightest motion, waiting for prey to come by. Meditating on the surface before it like either a buddhist seeking nirvana, or like the electron microscope on the floor below. each second of it's monotonous existence, it observed the landscape, and observed it again one thousand five hundred odd times. And so it glows, illuminating the blackness of that demure office which was sparsely populated with 60's 70's and 80's office furniture in a kind of multidenominational or to be more specific, a multigenerational ambivalence. The lidless and unblinking eye radiated with what a post-modern chromatologist would call "chromaticity of the red persuasion". Being white in colour, and with a red eye, I suppose this would have to be an albino variety of mouse.

Kia Kaha

This one was inspired by the recent acquirement of a key to the cabinet from whence the heaters come forth from at church. I am involved in the set up for church, and it wasn't too cold, I mean, it's still only the beginning of autumn, but heat the hall we must on a day like this one when the world outside is eight degrees. One of the earlier sermons was about the glory of the church. That's why the vague reference to the amazing idea of the incarnation (and who can comprehend that?). I was going to add another section about how it was when the heater was turned on, but I decided against it, although it would make a nice contrast with the whole cold thing... heck this is a long explaining thing...

The Cold

The Frigid wind howled, with a chant of ten thousand soprano apparitions, their ethereal operatic, menacing in it's vociferousness. Powdered snow, blown to various degrees over the permafrost, swirling in seemingly lost purposelessness, provided a fitting accompaniment to the spooky sound.

a lone figure trudges, bent over, either from the extreme cold, or the long journey. As he nears the end of that sub Antarctic traverse, his mind is set on the next task, frozen like the bleak landscape, immovable in the resolve to accomplish the task he had been set. In the Distance, the wind blows across the plateau, smudging the horizon, blurring the definition between terra firma, and infinity beyond. Through the haze more figures are becoming visible, congregating together in the brotherhood of those who have been there and done that. It is nearly time to set up. Few words are exchanged, it is just enough that there is someone else in the world who understands, who cares enough to be there, to lend a hand at this momentous undertaking, the kind of which, though previously seen before, should never cease to amaze those with the profound clarity of thought to grasp the idea of such seeming unintelligibility.

"Vox clamantis in deserto" was a quote that I found when looking how to spell Veni, Vidi, Vici. I thought it might be appropriate. and having been once again inspired, I set forth to document this odd occasion. It’s been so long, I'm not sure if this will be comprehensible, but there it is. Work tomorrow, so I'll have to wrap up the tweaking of this textus incredulous.

The Show.

In the darkness of that hexangular room, that central hub of comings and goings of the general populace, the light flickered on the vanilla white walls, providing a fitting accompaniment to the canned noise that protruding menacingly from the stereo speakers that were incorporated - nay - immersed in the television set - which was taking pride of place in that living room, it's Cathode Ray Tube humming a high pitched Pwiiiiiinnnnn... hovering around 20 kHz - the sort of noise that things make if they are imbued with up to 32,000 volts. There in the rimu cabinet, wholly dedicated for it's joint use with the DVD player, VCR, and 5.1 surround sound system a tragedy of epic proportions was played out in Technicolor.

It was then that John noticed it. It was subtle at first as these things often are, and most of the time no one cares even if they do notice. It took him a few seconds of perplexification, before he made up his mind to act, but nevertheless, it was a step in the right direction. One mighty deed for a man of an otherwise procrastinational nature. Veni, Vidi Vici.

I came, the TV was on, it was Desperate Housewives, I saw that it was not really good enough to justify being the #1 rating show in NZ or whatever it is, I conquered the barely felt need to join apparent throngs of my fellow humanity and bask in the dubious glory that is capitulation to the Status Quo. Or more candidly, I failed to conquer the felt need to get away, to flee the wrath that is "the Tyranny of the Urgent" and conceded defeat to the unimagined felt need to check email, write a meaningless blog, and to ponder the secrets of the universe. Ubi maior, minor cessat

Vox clamantis in deserto.

I've just revamped the old template, so hopefully, that will motivate me to get back to writing. It has some issues when viewed with Internet Explorer (hence the firefox link at the bottom of the side bar thing)

I wanted to use the word "Crepuscular" meaning twilightishness, but it didn't really fit. Maybe another time.

Driving back into Rolleston yesterday evening, we came across a storm that was happening. I didn't manage to hear any lightning though.... it was strangely odd....

The Tempest

Intermittent flashes of light illuminated the gathering clouds. Towering masses of vapor leaned precariously, bent by gale force winds, tortured into vast temporal edifices that spoke of the imminent storm rapidly conglomerating.

“Extensive...” Nathan said, turning his head absent mindedly to look at the meteorological display, making its presence felt over the whole district.

Something was missing. The clouds were immense, the lightning prolific, the wind had just kicked in with a vengeance, buffeting the trees, causing them to buckle and creak, making life interesting for the magpie family nesting in the unstable far reaches of the lofty eucalypts growing along the roadside. But something was not there.

Silence. Apart from the wind, the tempest was silent. Flashes of lightning came and went, unaccompanied by the usual deep boom of the thunder. It started to drizzle, making the insects that had collided with the windscreen smear on contact with the windscreen wiper. Flash. The billowing mists overhead were suddenly illuminated by another heavy duty static charge. To the southwest grey upon grey upon the blackness of the night sky. The blackness returning to its former transcendence. To the east, the lights of Christchurch igniting the low ceiling of orange tinted clouds, a rusty smear on the horizon.

Ages ago, I was going to blog about this, but I couldn't get going. I decided to finish it off tonight. I went to the "castings" for extras for the movie "The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe". I didn't make it as a Centaur..... but I tried. (also, all my life I have spelt the name of the title with only one "ue". It is disturbing when something that you thought was an easy way of getting rid of the "Qu" in scrabble or upwords, is anhilliated before your very eyes..)

The Queue

The stark lines converged on one point in the distance, making the corridor seem of infinite length. The queue crept along moving at random intermittent intervals, progressing slower than a committee of procrastinators. Judging by the décor, I guessed that the building had been there since the early eighties, and by the look of some of the other people in the line, they had been there waiting since the worn carpet was newly laid, waiting with subdued anticipation.

“Fill out this form please” said the man who was probably the boss. I half disinterestedly scanned the document, trying to decide whether to start here, or wait till I was next to the table. At least this was going to occupy my mind while in line. I tried to concentrate enough to read the small print while all around was the buzz of noise that permeates through long hallways.

The Circumference of my head. They wanted to know the circumference of my head. I wondered at first whether someone was following an antiquated philosophy of anthropology, judging people’s intelligence by the size of their brains, an idea that was popular during the late 19^th century (I think). They used to think they could predict whether someone was of criminal descent (and thus likely to follow their ancestors into a life of crime) by looking at their skull shape (What the heck they thought they were doing when they started sending convicts to Aussie, I have no idea).

I don’t know about you, but I don’t keep a record of my head size to fill in the odd form that asks for it, or even to buy a hat (I’ll try it on) but I did know some other vital statistics (shoe size, height….) that the bureaucratic form could accommodate.

Nearing the doorway, almost in to where I can see some progress. I couldn’t help overhearing the conversation of the people in front of me. Thankfully, I can’t remember what it was, but for the sake of the story, I’ll synthesize a subject. The tall guy with the longish hair and the eighties sunnies took the position, That Microsoft is analogous to the Roman Catholic Church during the Reformation, Linus Torvalds is equivalent to Martin Luther, and Linux is the Doctrine of Salvation by faith alone. All the different specific flavours of Linux are comparable to the various protestant denominations, all with the kernel of that doctrine. The shorter girl with dreads was of the opinion that it wasn’t possible to use this as an analogy because of the omission of the Mac and the fact that both Win and Lin work as operating systems (as opposed to the corresponding fact that without faith it is impossible to please God)

Nearing the tail end of this egalitarian snake that is the queue, I was able to get to grips with the operation. Two people were measuring potential extras and one was taking photos while a fourth was writing names on a small whiteboard which was held by the potential applicant in an anticipatory fashion, posing for their mug shot with a smile in the hope that they would be the lucky select few that would become part of the movie for which they were cast.

I needed to network our house a few days back. The heat in the roof was unjustifiable, but I needed to get those cables laid...

THE CAVE

With the light strapped to my head, balancing on a ladder, I hauled myself into the narrow mouth of the cave, the cold air from over the plain blasted into the small hole with a wind tunnel effect. I perched on a ledge and checked my gear for the dozenth time, making sure that I hadn’t left any essential equipment behind. Satisfied with my preparedness, I eased myself off the edge and into the precipice.

Etched into the bedrock with a mild acid, the cave is situated near geothermic activity making it hot work. The limestone walls close in with a claustrophobia that is intensified by the heat, making the seemingly infinite blackness of the cave when the light goes out grip the soul with a dread of unnamed and unconscious, possibly irrational fears.

The task complete I staggered along the footholds that I had picked out on the way in. To slip was to fall into oblivion. With sweat dripping from my face because of the intense heat, I clambered out to the mouth and cool safety. Mission Accomplished

Went to Nelson the other day, it was snowing and thankfully we were in a 4WD....

The Forecast

Gloom drifted in from the west, past snow encrusted mountains and over wild and swollen streams. The silent descent of the low cloud gave rise to the unconscious suspicion of dread that had steadily overtaken the pilgrims. And now, all they could do was wait. Snow began to fall, large flakes drifted along the side of the road, piling up - pure white against the greying blue yonder overhead.

Beech trees enshrouded in snow encompassed the road, mighty glaciers lethargically eroded subaqueous valleys while Kea spiraled overhead, looking for an unsupervised car to dismantle.

I went to a 21st Birthday the other day. There are a few references to what happened over that weekend, mainly that the brakes on my car needed immediate attention, so I took it back over the Takaka hill..... It was fun...

The other things that happen in this one are mostly made up when I wrote it.

The Astronaut

Glowing a yellowish orange, the reentry pod burst into the atmosphere, the friction from the air blasting it as it plummeted towards earth:

'This is Sinclair 11, going to manual control.'

'Ah, Roger, Sinclair 11.'

'This is banging in and out here; I'll have to control it manually.'

'Roger.'

'Sinclair 11, This is Takaka, do you read?'

'Roger, Takaka, read you loud and clear.'

'Sinclair 11, Sinclair 11, this is Motueka Com Tech. Do you read? Over.'

'Roger, Motueka, go ahead.'

'Ah, Roger. Reading you 5 square. Standby for transfer to Motueka Cap Com.'

'Roger.'

Water that would have condensed on the pod turned to steam making a vapor trail behind the capsule as it descended with a blistering pace. This was the extreme altitude where scientists weren't even sure if there was any air for the reentry module to 'rub' against:

'This is Motueka, Sinclair 11. We are recommending that you leave the retropackage on MOT through the entire reentry. This means that you will have to override the 05g switch which is expected to occur at 04 43 _3. This also means that you will have to manually replace the brakes. Do you read?'

'This is Sinclair 11. What is the reason for this? Do you have any reason? Over.'

'Hear that grinding noise? Over.'

'Ah, Roger. Say again your instructions please. Over.'

'We are recommending that the retropackage be jettisoned on MOT. You will have to override the 05g switch which is expected to occur at 04 43 53. This is approximately 4-1/2 minutes from now. This also means that you will have to replace the brakes manually. Do you understand?'

'Ah, Roger, understand. I will have to make a manual 05g entry when it occurs, and replace the brakes, ah, manually. Is that affirm?'

'That is affirmative, Sinclair 11.'

'Ah, Roger.'

The cosmonauts cautiously looked at their watches, 04 43 53. With a steady hand, the pilot reached out to press the big red button over head, the one with 05g written under it. Click. Tense seconds went by. The high pitched whine, the sound of either the module blistering through the air, or the extractor fan, filtering the cO2 from the limited atmosphere inside the pressurized pod, the high pitched whine suddenly changed octaves and with a grinding noise that made the hearers cringe.

'This is Sinclair 11, getting some vague interference relative to reentry altitude.'

'Roger, that should only last while the retropackage is on MOT.'

'Ah, Roger, going to reentry attitude, then, in that case.'

'Roger, everything down here on the ground looks okay.'

'Ah, Roger. This is Sinclair 11, commencing phase one of Splashdown routine.'

'Roger.'

Invisible from the ground below, Sinclair 11 plummeted toward Earth like gravity was going out of fashion. On the ground, the technical department struggled to keep from falling asleep, (most of them had attended a 21st the previous night) while the hierarchy thought it prudent to invest in an extra crate or two of 'V'..... At least that is the official story......

A thin veil of fog smeared the clear night, fuzzing the vision of the masked driver of the black van as he pulled up behind a grove of dead (or dying) cabbage trees outside the 'abandoned' warehouse on the outskirts of Nelson. With his face obscured for reasons that would become obvious, he killed the engine and cautiously but deliberately wound down the window, careful to not make too much noise. There he sat for an hour or so, just observing. At 2:45 a light appeared in a window of the building and the masked man of mystery retrieved his binoculars from the glove box and looked inside.

The smell of the mice was almost visible. Racks of cages containing mice in varying stages of stupor lined one of the longer walls. Canisters containing specific Isotopes of Uranium, some of them byproducts of Nuclear fission were scattered haphazardly on the folding table. A clinically white light flickered in the fluorescent tube that should have been replaced long ago. Mildew growing onambianceting walls of the warehouse offices added to the ambience. With such a scene, you could have expected maniacal laughter from a mad professor with a plot to overthrow the free world......... and you wouldn't be too wrong. Unlike the generic evil genius, spasmodic bwahahaha laughter wasn't part of Hans's repertoire. He didn't find his occupation that hilarious that he would loose control of his faculties. His preference was to sit on an ancient couch and watch reruns of 'MacGyver' (currently he was unable to sleep, so he was watching one of them now). The mice (which he had at first named after Apostles until he ran out of names, then he started giving them numbers) were part of his lifetime's work. His experiments now needed testing on humans, otherwise how would he know whether his serum would achieve it's sinister goal.

It was time. Han's retrieved a bottle of 'V' from the small beer fridge that hummed in the background. The fridge was set to 3 degrees C, minimizing the pressure inside the bottles. With a fine drill bit, he bored into the black plastic lid of the bottle. 'Ffiiisssssssssss', the bottle said. With a syringe containing one part 'V', one part serum, Hans dripped the bluish green liquid in, counting the drops. Three per bottle. Sealing the lid with molten plastic, he placed them back in the fridge. 'I wonder what it tastes like?' Hans mused, squirting the remainder of the syringe into a coffee mug that had the caffeine molecule emblazoned on it. As he took a fateful sip, me muttered something underneath his breath about a banana and then passed out.

Seated in the Black van, the driver observed Hans as he worked, noting the precision. When Hans passed out, the driver whispered matter of factly 'It's time'

The Moon overlooked the warehouse, it's refracted beams indiscriminately lighting the corrugated iron roof. The sound of the dry twig breaking that always heralds someone attempting to sneak rang out over the weed infested parking lot. The two guard dogs, no doubt victims of another batch of experiments lay comatose in their kennels awaiting the sun to waken them from their invigorating sleep. Half a dozen shapes stirred behind the gorse, black smudges in a dark grey fog. Silently and swiftly, the black shapes exited the Black van, coagulating as they approached the warehouse, kicking down the door, they entered the run down complex.


The overalled invaders searched through the office complex of the warehouse, though instead of ransacking the place, the methodically searched the place in an attempt to discover the whereabouts of the formula.
As genius as Hans was, he was in the tradition of all great scientists, a bit dumb (as can be seen by his ingesting some of the serum), and also like many scientists from movies that he had modeled himself on, he had his plans all inside his head. He was painfully aware of what could happen if these plans were to get out into the open, so he never wrote them down. Not until he could patent them that is......
Getting anxious, the invaders decided that the bottles of 'V' would have to do to achieve their purpose.

The stolen goods were placed inside a box. It looked innocuous enough, a smallish kitchen appliance box with a picture of a kettle on the side. At three fifteen in the morning, you don't ask questions.

It was a tense moment, with hands gripping the steering wheel, and eyes darting cautiously to and fro, looking for potential unwanted attention, the driver of the black van sat and fumed. This hadn't been part of the arrangement, it was shear stupidity, but what could he do?

A faint tapping sound on the rear passenger side window was enough indication, the driver unlocked the door to let the thief in. With a cough the engine started and the relieved passengers started to loosen their tensed muscles as the old bomb drove off toward their rendezvous with the other members of their team.

We had a contest at the church luncheon to see which of the guys could bring the best food. There really wasn't any tension, but it makes the story sound more interesting. I hope I have spelled Spirilini right.....

The Onion

'Beep beep beep', the alarm clock blazed in my ears, as if it was angry that it wasn't getting any attention. 'Beep Beep' I reached out from under the covers, silencing that menace for now. Snooze buttons are very tempting in the early morning. A pale pre-dawn twilight came through the vertical blinds draping the fixtures with contrasting stripes of grey.

I sat up and leant on one arm and peered through the window to see the smoke from the neighborhood’s smoldering fireplaces becoming part of the atmosphere. 5:12 – time to get up.

The butter sizzled on the hot stove as the onions were added. Softened onions have a weird smell that I would do a disservice if I tried to describe. Actually, come to think of it, there weren’t any onions in this recipe.........

The coil glowed with an inner radiance, heating the pot containing their magnum opus – their Grande Finale - Baked Tuna Spirilini. With careful precision, we prepared our entry.

With coffee in hand, I retreated to my bedroom to watch the sun rise. When I awoke, it was time to hasten to church to await the outcome of the contest.

In an effort to avoid opening up old scars, I will keep this brief, but this tale must be told or all this might have happened in vain.

After church, as the entries were rolled out, a vague sense of apprehension fell on the gathered throng. Maybe it was when Simon’s exquisite creation was unveiled, or when the aroma from Jason’s delightfuliscious entry wafted from the kitchen, maybe it was just the sobering shriek of the zip boiling – wailing like a Nazgúl, whatever the cause, a foreboding felling was felt even by the judges. And then it hit me like the old dog hits the hard road – there were no judges.

It’s been one week since the contest, but it feels like only a few hours. The tension is still palatable, though the exhibits have been long digested. At least they all went to a worthy cause. There were four of us entering – foolhardy and arrogant, easy to say in hindsight, but no one could have foreseen the consequences that this competition would bring.

Recently I went to a friends birthday party - we went via Bealy Ave into town. There were a few "boy racers" going in the same direction. Other than that, there isn't much other similarity between reality and this blog.

The Ecosystem

Monkeys, Toucans, Elephants, Jaguars, Birds of Paradise, Crocodiles, - they were all there. The typical Hollywood Jungle scene mixing the fauna from Africa with fauna from South America (with a nod to PNG). And how could I forget the Insects? Hoards of unnamed flying malaria carrying invertebrates swarm around the overheated and muddy, pith helmet wearing visitor with seemingly vengeful attitudes. Who could blame them...... The sound of this menagerie - the same sound that had incessantly gone on for thousands of years is suddenly broken. A sense of disquiet is evident in the faces of the elephants that are cooling themselves off with a nice long drink. Crocodiles slip into the water as if they know where the action is going to be. Eccentrically coloured heron suddenly take to the air with a proprietary warning call that is even weirder than their previous noise that they were making. Then an uneasy stillness settles over the rain forest. and through it all, on a moss covered limb of a ancient, vine strangled mahogany tree that had stood there for many monsoons overhanging the waterway, the poison dart frog sat, throat bulging, singing it's heart out like Michael on NZ idol, oblivious to the scene unfolding around him.

DIN DIN DIN... the mechanical sound of a boat smashed its way through the now tranquil primeval Jungle, creating sound waves that shook the leaves of the baobab tree that was looking out of place in it's wet surroundings. The engine sound slowed to an idle and the captain stopped in the shade under the moss covered mahogany tree. Without stopping his tune, the poisonous frog peered over the edge of the limb at the flies that had been attracted to the unfortunate captain. Hunger burned inside the diminutive digestive tract of the amphibian. The consequences of such a leap could potentially be annoying - he would have to make the return journey to his ancestral home, but on the other hand, being hungry while a feast is only a leap away isn't fun. He jumped. Snatching a few insects on the way down, landing on the tightly wrapped raincoat that the captain brought - a seemingly wise precaution when you go to a place called the "rain forest".

As the other boats approached - they were in a convoy of sorts, the captain of the lead boat began to brief the others on what was up ahead. There was a glut of "Minor" obstacles on the journey to the treasure, but such things don't deter the intrepid.

If the poison dart frog understood English, he would have heard the Captain of the lead boat. "We're nearing the ylaeb " explained the captain "it is used as a rite of passage for the local natives - to go from childhood into irresponsible adolescenthood." he reached into his waterproof box where he kept his energy drink and continued to explain "When a young boy gets his first canoe, it is a special moment for the whole community. A solemn ceremony is performed and the almost adolescent takes to the river in search of a race." With a prestidigitational twist of his bronzed muscular wrist, the Captain opened the bottle and set it down again. "Other youths will congregate at these rapids that are just round that bend to race." he drained the bottle in two swigs, his pupils dilated as the drink energized him. With a cough the engine started again and the convoy was off again on their quest for an unnamed treasure, not sorry to have a breeze to deter the insects.

"BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM..." the drums in the back of the dugout canoe shook the water, rattling the body kit on the fire-engine red stained outrigger next to it.”BOOM BOOM stchak BOOM BOOM stchak..." replied the outrigger, a neon glow was visible just under the waterline - iridescent beetles were carefully rubbed on the surface of the watercraft to give it that menacing radiance. The young native at the helm clutched the small racing rudder handle with a passive and hidden euphoria - this was his turn. With a plop, the ripened mango fell into the water signaling the start and they were off down the rapids. Winning wasn't the main thing, (although there was prestige to be gained) it was the participation that made you feel like you had finally made it.

This one is about a LAN party that we went to recently. There were nine of us (I think)

The Local Area Network

An indistinct growling sound intermittently made itself foreboding in an apprehensive way. Like a synthesized waterfall sound, indistinct and ever present. Kind of like static on the wrong channel. Unsure as to whether it was because the horses were invisible, equine ghosts, or whether there was another force working on the carriage, but in no doubt of the purpose of the occupants, the carriage growled it's way down the pine-shaded - gravel infused path. The gatekeeper turned the lever which set into motion the mechanics that would open the gate. The nine had started arriving. Black rubber clad spoke-free wheels rolled on to the gravel of the driveway and without a further sound (discounting the change in volume) the horseless carriage sped off to the rendezvous point.

From the midst of the serpentine labyrinth of Category 5 the information was dispersed. Their hardware plugged into the matrix of networking, the Nine started warmongering.